Awhile back I wrote about if your teapot could talk, what kind of things it would say (actually, having several teapots, it turned into quite a chatter session). Since then, I expanded my wonderings into the imaginary “minds” of teapots and what commentaries they would make on their lives as teapots. So, here goes.
First of all, not all teapots speak English. Some don’t even speak any language known to us humans. They are conversant in “teapot speak” (borrowing a term from George Orwell’s 1984 here – “new speak” was what was left of the language after government officials kept declaring certain words to be non-existent). Some examples of this special form of communicating is “Tooooot TOOOOOT tootle!” (my “teapot speak” is a little rusty, but I think it means “The water’s too hot – you’re cooking, not steeping, those tea leaves!”).
Many teapots are very linguistically talented and, due to spending time around us humans, tend to pick up whatever language we are speaking. In our house, it’s English, French, and a bit of German, with a Spanish phrase or two thrown in for good measure. For our purposes here, I’ll stick to English.
What Teapots Say About Your Choice of Tea
- “About time you steeped something good in me. That cheap stuff was giving me a migraine.”
- “A teabag? Really? Why are you even bothering to use me? Just dunk that thing in the tea mug over there. He has no sense of pride, so you can treat him in whatever disrespectful manner you choose.”
- “What’s all that stuff mixed in with the tea leaves? Looks more like a dehydrated stew mix than something to be steeped in me.”
- “Whoa, that Earl Grey is really strong. You’d better scrub me out really good after this.”
What Teapots Say About Your Steeping Methodology
- “Ow, ow, ow, and OUCH!!! That water is too hot!”
- “Watch those fingernails or you’ll scratch off my gold trim.”
- “Don’t let those tea leaves stay in me after the steeping is done or the tea liquid will get too strong and bitter and that will make my cranky – and you don’t want to see me when I’m cranky!”
- “That tea ball infuser is too large and will never fit. And the tea leaves won’t infuse properly. Just dump them in loose.”
- “Oooooo… hee hee hee… the blooming tea tickles!”
What Teapots Argue About
- “Handles are supposed to be on the side opposite the spout – not on top or at a 90° angle like many kyusu.” “No way! My handle is at 90° and works just great.” “Oh yeah?” “Yeah!” (They tend not to be the greatest thespians in the world.)
- “That spout shape is not drip proof. You’re dribbling everywhere.” “A good dribble is fine now and then.” “Only in basketball!” “Oh, droll, so very droll!”
Next time you’re steeping tea, lend an ear to your teapot. It could be trying to tell you something!
See more of A.C. Cargill’s articles here.
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